Self-Reflection, Missing a friend, and a song.

I realised something earlier, while arguing with an old childhood; albeit, someone I only know through the internet, friend. What I realised was that I have a big fucking heart. I don't care what you think of me, I do. I will never abandon a friend no matter what. Just ask my ex-friend, what I went through with him when he was going through his own shit. Heck the things I did he never knew as well.

However, this comes with its pros and cons. I expect too much from my friends. I expect them not to repay the exact same favour, or something ridiculous. Most of the time I expect them to bend over backwards for me to do something tiny, like show up, no matter what. Yes, it may be something tiny but I expect you to bend over the fuck back and I consider it debt repaid. To me its not something difficult to do, but to them it doesn't occur to them that it matters a whole fucking lot to me.

I realise, and I know full well in my heart that I have to change the way I think and perceive of people. That's the difficult part, I forgive too easily. I have forgiven my father, and all those people who spat on my face, bullied me, and belittled me in primary school. And if my ex-friend came back to me and said he wanted to be friends again, I would accept his friendship in a heartbeat, no doubt about it. There's a little voice though that tells me I shouldn't, but I will. I always believe in second, third, fourth, gajillion chances. THAT is the biggest problem with me. Hopefully time will change me to being an unbelieving, distrusting piece of shit human being.

There's a lot of negativity here but hey its what I made it for. I couldn't care less if no one reads this rag. I just made it to be able to throw up my thoughts somewhere and hopefully reading it over again, I'll be able to make some fucking sense of it all.


On to missing my friend, god I miss him so much. Everything I do I feel like something's missing and then I think of how different it would be if he were here. There's so many things that I want to tell him about my day, and only him, because only he would be able to understand what was so interesting about it. We clicked so well, we had similar thinking and a really really really reeeeealllllllllyyyyyyyy warped sense of humour. We even liked the same music. Whenever something funny comes up the first thing I do is look beside me and I realise he's not there, and I can't sms him what was so funny or ridiculous that happened.

My thoughts range from 'why the fuck did he have to stand me up so much', 'where's my partner in crime', and stuff like 'where the fuck is my left foot I feel so fucking unbalanced god fucking damn it'. Yea thats how tight we were man. I can't tell all these weird shit to my other friends cos they just don't understand and they don't have the same fucking warped humour me and him have. Just try to understand having someone so similar to you and always around suddenly ripped away from your life just like that. It is so damn difficult I think about it every day. I even think of it in my sleep and dream about it. I really really really miss having my partner in crime around.

It is especially even worse in camp when I do things now alone that I used to do with him. It's become so bad that I always ask for company to do the most menial of jobs like handling backup because its been so damn long since I did it on a weekday alone. I was so dependant on his company.

I always had this vision of me old chatting with my friends over a cup of coffee and since I started NS I only ever had 3 faces there. Me Imraan and him. Thats how I envisioned my friendship with him and now I only see one face, me.


Eh I guess I gotta grow the fuck up, and here's a song by Paramore. Called Hello Hello, written as a demo track. The song is open to interpretation, it could be interpreted as being sung about a trusted person turning his/her back on you, a parent who left, a girlfriend/boyfriend breakup, and lastly, a best friend breakup.


Hello Hello, by Paramore.

Hello, hello?
Is anyone home?
Hello, hello?
Just pick up the phone

I opened up my life to you,
I told you everything I knew,
You listened so closely to,
You listened so close when love was just a way out
But you're going deaf now,
Yeah you turned your head around,

Hello, hello?
Is anyone home?
Hello, hello?
Just pick up the phone,
You'll be sorry to hear,
I'm doing fine now,
Sorry to hear,
You're without me now
You blew up the world I built for us,
Destroyed our secret universe,
Threw out the trust I, put in you,
Making me feel like I'd been used,
And now I'm reminded,
That I was just blinded,

Hello, hello?
Is anyone home?
Hello, hello?
Just pick up the phone,
You'll be sorry to hear,
I'm doing fine now,
Sorry to hear,
You're without me now

I'm doing fine,
You'll be alright,
Maybe you'll think of me tonight,
You're doing fine,
And I'll be alright,
Just give me time, yeah

Hello, hello?
Is anyone home?
Hello, hello?
Just pick up the phone,
I don't wanna hear,
You're doing fine now,
Don't wanna hear,
I'm without you now

I'm without you now,
I'm without you.



I'm really in love with the song as she sings it as if, in my interpretation, that outwardly she's saying she's over the person and is convincing herself that she's fine and that the person is the one suffering from the 'breakup'. However, inside, its the other way around, she's NOT fine and the other person is. That's exactly what I'm doing now. I tell myself, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm the social one, he's the recluse, I can make friends easily and I'll replace him soon enough. I know though thats not the truth, he can never be replaced, my one and only best friend I ever had. He on the other hand, with his persona, probably doesn't even give two shits about me anymore, and I'm happy for him because he doesn't have to go through what I'm going through now.


Ciao gais.

Oh sh....

Oh snap its the second time in the same no of weeks that i dreamt of my friend. First dream was fun. Just chillin like we used to as mates.


Second one was more fucked up though. Out of nowhere i see him on the street and we start talking for like 10 mins like nothing happened. He then just ups and walks away without saying a word as he always does. This time he doesn't come back and im searching frantically high and low for him and I wake up



Fuck dreaming.

for fucks sake

Just as i was getting used to life without my good friend something has to fuck up and I have to contact him again. He Left early on his ORD day and now my officer wanted to find a way to charge him. Pretty fucking bs since everyone else left at the same time.

There was also a discrepancy on one of his MCs. So the task was on me to call him and get him on the line to my officer.


Now that being said I have no obligation at all to help him. We're not talking after all. But me being me, I helped anyway. Went out of my way to find out how he could get out of this and making sure his MCs were able to be found.


God having to talk to him again after everything that was said was so fucking hard, just as i was getting used to not having him around anymore.


Fuck this

Growing the fuck up.

I guess sometimes after something as shitty as having to let go of one of your best friends, you start to see that life's not all that bad after all. Looking back on that, it was an unhealthy relationship for about 4-5 months already. I realise that but its still difficult as hell. Its like I lost a part of me. Its like I lost my right arm and my left leg. I feel very unbalanced at the moment. Its a mixture of sadness, happiness, hope, despair.

I have about 7 more weeks of slavery to go before I say adios to HQ SCDF@Ubi, and its scary to think about what I have to do afterwards. I've decided, after a year of work, I'm going to pursue a psych degree. Throwing away conservative out the window, I realise its what I really want to do. I love psychoanalysing people, and I've come to terms with who I am, and how much autism I really have in me.

Yea I'm still going through depression. Its a torrent of emotions inside me. At times I feel like I'm losing my mind. I've already lost one of my good friends, I never even got a place in the uni I wanted. Feels like every plan I've made is crumbling down around me. What happened to BFF? Going to school together. One thing I really cannot make peace with the fact I had to let go of my friend was that we never were friends as civilians, only as uniformed personnel.

I remember the times we'd talk about after NS, all the stupid shit we'd do in school and after we ORD'd, but I guess it was never meant to be. I look at the pictures I sneakily took of you because you never liked cameras much and I feel a tinge of sadness and a little joy as well as I know its whats best for the both of us.

Anyway, depression smeshpression, I've decided that I have to grab life by the balls, and not think too much about what it might mean for others and those around me. Life is short, life is one shot. I need to do the things I need to do right now. Like my doctor said, stop thinking so much about the past, but never forget where you come from; and think about the future but don't live it in. Live now, when you have the control. I'm in control of now, and whats happening now. The people I care about now, the people who are still my friends now, what I can do now. I can take charge of NOW and not the future nor change the past. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and die, whats the point of living in the future when all you have is what you have NOW.

Its time I grew the fuck up and not live in the past or future. Helping people maybe my future, it maybe not, but helping MYSELF is whats now. First things first I gotta kick my own ass and move forward with my depression. Wallowing in self pity and what-ifs isn't going to do jackshit for me, neither is thinking what could've happened if I didn't terminate my friendship so abruptly, and hung on to the thin thread that was holding us together as friends. No fuck that, its pretty poetic anyway, I got into contact with a good close friend I haven't seen for 5 years last week. A week later I end one of my friendships with another good close friend.

Things like this make me think if somehow there's such a thing as fate.

What a year 2011 has been, I never thought it would've gone through like this.

First post!

Sup. Been a while since I've done anything like this. Its something I turn to when I'm feeling depressed or really down. Its almost like a ritual.

Happy > Really Happy > Down and out > Depression > Start blog

I mean the fuck is wrong with me.

Anyway last time it was about a girl, this time it was about a great friend of mine. Met this friend during NS, served almost the entirety of my two years with this buddy by my side. We'd go down for breaks together, eat together, go out for dinner together, play games together. Heck we hung out on weekends so frequently and after work so often that people started to take notice that if I wasn't going home straight, it would be out with this guy or if he wasn't around, I'd be meeting him anyway.

Pratically inseparable in camp and outside, we even played the same online game together. It was the perfect 'bromance' so you can say. But as they say, all good things come to an end, and even the best of friendships can have a tumultuous ending.

Long story short, he got sick of my depressive behaviour going through relapse and I was sick of his inability to empathise. We'd make a plan and he'd cancel last minute and when I called him out on it he'd try to justify it about like how I deserved it. I would just be emotionally depressive and pretty much a bummer to be with.

So as it stands I finally met up with him after a huge blowout on his last day at work. Smoothed things over, made sure we understood what was going on, and decided to part ways, because this shit wasn't gonna work at all. I would work on my depression, and he'd, well, I really don't know. There's no hard feelings towards him at this point, I dunno if its the same with him. Damn though, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and that's topping conquering myself a year ago.

Usually with friends you just phase out and make new ones, never forgetting the ones that crossed your path and made a difference, but this, I really thought we were friends forever. I kept on clinging and clinging to what was obviously a deteriorating relationship. I guess its for the best for me and him.

I sincerely wish him all the best in school and life and whatever happens. I've deleted every contact I have of him, MSN, phone, every conversation log I've had and even in-game. I don't see what good that is because I have his e-mail, phone number, address, IC number and shit memorised anyway, but I guess it makes it harder for me to just text to say I miss him and I want to be friends again if I have to key in 8 numbers instead of finding him on my phone.

Just typing this out makes me so fucking sad I want to cry, letting go of people I care about and love is so fucking difficult. It hit me, hard, that all I have left of this friendship are the memories that I will never be able to experience again, and short of dementia, which I will never forget.

So thank you for serving NS with me, making it the most bearable as possible, I will now have to finish the next 7 weeks without your company and I really hate it now. If fate will have it we cross paths again some time in the future, I hope you still remember me, as I will you. Maybe then things will be different.

See you bro, love you. See you when I see you.