I guess sometimes after something as shitty as having to let go of one of your best friends, you start to see that life's not all that bad after all. Looking back on that, it was an unhealthy relationship for about 4-5 months already. I realise that but its still difficult as hell. Its like I lost a part of me. Its like I lost my right arm and my left leg. I feel very unbalanced at the moment. Its a mixture of sadness, happiness, hope, despair.
I have about 7 more weeks of slavery to go before I say adios to HQ SCDF@Ubi, and its scary to think about what I have to do afterwards. I've decided, after a year of work, I'm going to pursue a psych degree. Throwing away conservative out the window, I realise its what I really want to do. I love psychoanalysing people, and I've come to terms with who I am, and how much autism I really have in me.
Yea I'm still going through depression. Its a torrent of emotions inside me. At times I feel like I'm losing my mind. I've already lost one of my good friends, I never even got a place in the uni I wanted. Feels like every plan I've made is crumbling down around me. What happened to BFF? Going to school together. One thing I really cannot make peace with the fact I had to let go of my friend was that we never were friends as civilians, only as uniformed personnel.
I remember the times we'd talk about after NS, all the stupid shit we'd do in school and after we ORD'd, but I guess it was never meant to be. I look at the pictures I sneakily took of you because you never liked cameras much and I feel a tinge of sadness and a little joy as well as I know its whats best for the both of us.
Anyway, depression smeshpression, I've decided that I have to grab life by the balls, and not think too much about what it might mean for others and those around me. Life is short, life is one shot. I need to do the things I need to do right now. Like my doctor said, stop thinking so much about the past, but never forget where you come from; and think about the future but don't live it in. Live now, when you have the control. I'm in control of now, and whats happening now. The people I care about now, the people who are still my friends now, what I can do now. I can take charge of NOW and not the future nor change the past. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and die, whats the point of living in the future when all you have is what you have NOW.
Its time I grew the fuck up and not live in the past or future. Helping people maybe my future, it maybe not, but helping MYSELF is whats now. First things first I gotta kick my own ass and move forward with my depression. Wallowing in self pity and what-ifs isn't going to do jackshit for me, neither is thinking what could've happened if I didn't terminate my friendship so abruptly, and hung on to the thin thread that was holding us together as friends. No fuck that, its pretty poetic anyway, I got into contact with a good close friend I haven't seen for 5 years last week. A week later I end one of my friendships with another good close friend.
Things like this make me think if somehow there's such a thing as fate.
What a year 2011 has been, I never thought it would've gone through like this.
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