I realised something earlier, while arguing with an old childhood; albeit, someone I only know through the internet, friend. What I realised was that I have a big fucking heart. I don't care what you think of me, I do. I will never abandon a friend no matter what. Just ask my ex-friend, what I went through with him when he was going through his own shit. Heck the things I did he never knew as well.
However, this comes with its pros and cons. I expect too much from my friends. I expect them not to repay the exact same favour, or something ridiculous. Most of the time I expect them to bend over backwards for me to do something tiny, like show up, no matter what. Yes, it may be something tiny but I expect you to bend over the fuck back and I consider it debt repaid. To me its not something difficult to do, but to them it doesn't occur to them that it matters a whole fucking lot to me.
I realise, and I know full well in my heart that I have to change the way I think and perceive of people. That's the difficult part, I forgive too easily. I have forgiven my father, and all those people who spat on my face, bullied me, and belittled me in primary school. And if my ex-friend came back to me and said he wanted to be friends again, I would accept his friendship in a heartbeat, no doubt about it. There's a little voice though that tells me I shouldn't, but I will. I always believe in second, third, fourth, gajillion chances. THAT is the biggest problem with me. Hopefully time will change me to being an unbelieving, distrusting piece of shit human being.
There's a lot of negativity here but hey its what I made it for. I couldn't care less if no one reads this rag. I just made it to be able to throw up my thoughts somewhere and hopefully reading it over again, I'll be able to make some fucking sense of it all.
On to missing my friend, god I miss him so much. Everything I do I feel like something's missing and then I think of how different it would be if he were here. There's so many things that I want to tell him about my day, and only him, because only he would be able to understand what was so interesting about it. We clicked so well, we had similar thinking and a really really really reeeeealllllllllyyyyyyyy warped sense of humour. We even liked the same music. Whenever something funny comes up the first thing I do is look beside me and I realise he's not there, and I can't sms him what was so funny or ridiculous that happened.
My thoughts range from 'why the fuck did he have to stand me up so much', 'where's my partner in crime', and stuff like 'where the fuck is my left foot I feel so fucking unbalanced god fucking damn it'. Yea thats how tight we were man. I can't tell all these weird shit to my other friends cos they just don't understand and they don't have the same fucking warped humour me and him have. Just try to understand having someone so similar to you and always around suddenly ripped away from your life just like that. It is so damn difficult I think about it every day. I even think of it in my sleep and dream about it. I really really really miss having my partner in crime around.
It is especially even worse in camp when I do things now alone that I used to do with him. It's become so bad that I always ask for company to do the most menial of jobs like handling backup because its been so damn long since I did it on a weekday alone. I was so dependant on his company.
I always had this vision of me old chatting with my friends over a cup of coffee and since I started NS I only ever had 3 faces there. Me Imraan and him. Thats how I envisioned my friendship with him and now I only see one face, me.
Eh I guess I gotta grow the fuck up, and here's a song by Paramore. Called Hello Hello, written as a demo track. The song is open to interpretation, it could be interpreted as being sung about a trusted person turning his/her back on you, a parent who left, a girlfriend/boyfriend breakup, and lastly, a best friend breakup.
Hello Hello, by Paramore.
Hello, hello?
Is anyone home?
Hello, hello?
Just pick up the phone
I opened up my life to you,
I told you everything I knew,
You listened so closely to,
You listened so close when love was just a way out
But you're going deaf now,
Yeah you turned your head around,
Hello, hello?
Is anyone home?
Hello, hello?
Just pick up the phone,
You'll be sorry to hear,
I'm doing fine now,
Sorry to hear,
You're without me now
You blew up the world I built for us,
Destroyed our secret universe,
Threw out the trust I, put in you,
Making me feel like I'd been used,
And now I'm reminded,
That I was just blinded,
Hello, hello?
Is anyone home?
Hello, hello?
Just pick up the phone,
You'll be sorry to hear,
I'm doing fine now,
Sorry to hear,
You're without me now
I'm doing fine,
You'll be alright,
Maybe you'll think of me tonight,
You're doing fine,
And I'll be alright,
Just give me time, yeah
Hello, hello?
Is anyone home?
Hello, hello?
Just pick up the phone,
I don't wanna hear,
You're doing fine now,
Don't wanna hear,
I'm without you now
I'm without you now,
I'm without you.
I'm really in love with the song as she sings it as if, in my interpretation, that outwardly she's saying she's over the person and is convincing herself that she's fine and that the person is the one suffering from the 'breakup'. However, inside, its the other way around, she's NOT fine and the other person is. That's exactly what I'm doing now. I tell myself, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm the social one, he's the recluse, I can make friends easily and I'll replace him soon enough. I know though thats not the truth, he can never be replaced, my one and only best friend I ever had. He on the other hand, with his persona, probably doesn't even give two shits about me anymore, and I'm happy for him because he doesn't have to go through what I'm going through now.
Ciao gais.
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